-3/2/22 Truth, Lies, And A Crazy Story

Welcome, people. I hope you are healthy, happy, and are living a life filled with love and laughter. Something more satisfying than simply existing. I hope you are living by the truths of reality and distance yourself from everything of falsehoods. Which brings me to today's topic.

For today's blog I am going to treat you to a lie. Yes, that's right, a lie. But worry not for I will accompany it with some truth and a crazy story pertaining to one of either. There's just one problem with the truth and lies ... which is which? Each of the following truths or lies I am about to give you will have something to do with my life. Perhaps something about me or something that I've experienced in my many years. Or perhaps it's just a bunch or crap that I made up. Who knows? The task at hand, your task, is to decide which ones are a truth and which ones are lies. Now, this may be a bit easier for those of you who actually know me. Maybe so, maybe not. Are you up for the challenge? Let's find out. Ready, set, go!

#1 My senior year of high school wasn't all that great. I began to grow weary of being there and started to focus on things other than my studies. I was barely making the grades but somehow did manage to pull it off. I was lucky enough to stumble on the help of a couple of really good cheat sheets. (Ahh, how long is the statue of limitations for something like this?) There were another couple of my classmates who knew about this and were also able to 'modify' the course of their history (academically speaking) but I'm taking their names to the grave with me. Long story short, I was able to pass the detrimental test and was lucky enough to sport cap and gown to walk with my fellow classmates during graduation. Truth of lie?

#2 We were sitting in our living room when the phone rang. Our family friend put it on speaker and I listened in as she and my son talked with singer Lady Gaga. I sat quietly and listened as they talked with her about her music and various other things. Truth of lie?

#3 I sat in the back seat of a state trooper's police car and shot a handgun, his handgun, out of the rear passenger side window, several times. It was such a rush. Truth of lie?

#4 I gave a sermon at church once. I'm a back of the room kinda guy and this was totally out of my comfort zone but I did it. Grabbed a tie and dress slacks and stood up in front of the congregation and let'r rip. Praise Jesus. Truth of lie?

#5 There was a time in my more 'wild days' when I was riding shotgun in a friend's car and he ran off of the road, down a 40 foot embankment, and landed half in, half submerged in a creek. The water partially filled the car up to our waistlines but no one was hurt. Well, except for my friend's pride and wallet. Truth of lie?

#6 I caught my hair on fire once. Fell into a bonfire during a camping/partying excursion. It burned about a quarter of it off before I could get it put out. It was during the summer and no one seemed to notice due to being able to wear a hat for quite some time afterwards. Truth of lie?

#7 I went on vacation to the Bahamas. Was supposed to stay for an entire week but only lasted 4 hours. Jumped back on the ship and floated back to Florida. While in route I met 3 other couples who did the exact same thing. Truth of lie?

#8 When I was around 10 years old I got a little metal toy car stuck in my throat. It took a doctor and 3 nurses about 4 & 1/2 hours to get it out safely. Truth of lie?

#9 My sister stabbed me in the forearm with a pencil, 40 years ago, and I can still feel the lead. Truth of lie?

#10 I lost my virginity in a graveyard. Truth of lie?

__________________________________________________________________________________

Well, what do you think? Confident in your guessing? Do you think any of them could be true or are they all downright lies? I did say that I would 'accompany it (lies) with some truth' but does that mean more than one? They could all be truths. Or they could all be a total B.S. with the exception of just one. So, let's find out if you guessed correctly.

#1 (High School Shenanigans) Lie. I didn't finish high school. Dropped out early but returned to my studies 25 years later and obtained my GED, the same year my son graduated. I wanted to show him that you can accomplish whatever you want if you put your mind to it. So, no cheating going on. Accomplished it by my own merits.

#2 (Lady Gaga On The Line) Truth. As crazy as this sounds, it's actually true. It's a wonderful memory of mine. I truly enjoyed watching the star struck moment unfold. I do believe our family friend stopped breathing for several minutes, though.

#3 (5.O Car Shooting) Truth. Would you believe me if I told you this actually happened? It did. No worries, though. No one was shot and there were no arrest made. I'll let you try to figure this one out on your own. Pleading the 5th.

#4 (Sermon On The Mount) Truth. Yep, got er done. I'm not a public speaker, by no means, and it was a bit nerve racking, to say the least, but it turned out to be an experience that I still cherish to this day. I was told that I appeared to be calm and collected during it but I can tell you ... no. Fake it till you make it.

#5 (Under Water Car Wreck) Lie. Didn't happen. Not to say there weren't many times where something like this could have happened (there was) but it just isn't so. I believe I got lucky on many occasions, given the situations I either put myself in or unwillingly found myself in. Either way, this one aint so.

#6 (Bonfire BBQ) Lie. Thank god this didn't happen. If so, I'd definitely shave the head. Let me throw a little truth into this lie. I have actually met someone who caught their prosthetic leg on fire while partying. Just wow.

#7 (Bailing On The Bahamas) Truth. It's true. And this is where the crazy story comes into play.

Back in the 90's I drove down to Florida with the ex (we had just married), my best friend, and her new husband. We were going to embark on a double honeymoon trip to the Bahamas. My best friend was Laotian and when time came to arrive at the boat for loading she was denied entry because of paperwork. Lack of a green card, I believe. They told her she didn't need one now that she was married to an American but that didn't fly at the dock. They didn't want to ruin our honeymoon trip and insisted that we continue on without them. We had driven down in my vehicle so I left them the keys and my wife and I boarded. See you in a week. Well, when we got to the Bahamas they crammed about 6 of us into an old stretch limo (emphasis on old) and we headed out. It was raining cats and dogs. Luckily, our luggage was in the trunk, unlike other vacationers who had their's strapped to the roof. As we drove along, our cabby noticed another rival driver who, I believe, he had great animosity towards. He literally hung out the window, shot the man the bird, and cursed him as we passed. We eventually arrived at our hotel without wrecking or having to separate two angry drivers. We walked inside and the roof was leaking from the rain, everywhere. Buckets stretched out down the hallway. We belly up to the check in counter and get slammed with an $80 deposit charge for the room key. You know, in case we decided to steal it. We find our room. OMG. Green, green, on top of green. Everything was this putrid Kermit the Frog green color, carpet, drapes, bed linen, everything. We set the luggage down on the bed and (keep this in mind) ... it had managed to get a little wet during our moving about. Oh wow, guess where the keys to our luggage was? Not anywhere on this island, I can tell you. On my key chain in the hands of my best friend, back in Florida. Nice. Gonna have to break into it if we wanna change clothes between now and a week from now. We were roomed a good 7 miles from the beach and would have to either walk or put our lives in danger each time we wanted to visit if by chance we were unlucky enough to get the same angry cabby again. We decided to return to the mainland. Now, this was the mid 90's, before the age of cell phones and Google, so we opened up the room's phone book to access the proper numbers. Let's just say it was an Indiana Jones moment. Bugs started to climb out of the book and run across the bed. Nice. We were able to reach our travel agent and asked about returning.

"Sure," they said. "Jump back on the boat and come back."

Great. Now the task at hand was to go back down to the check in and convince them all was on the up and up as to why we were wanting to leave shortly after getting there. Allow me to throw in a word here ... suspicion. And let me emphasize it with a bit more understanding. They sent a security guard up to our room to 'access' the situation. If I told you he was well over 6 foot and not an once under 400lbs then I wouldn't be lying to you, at all. He looked around the room for a bit to make sure everything was still accounted for and there were no drugs or dead bodies or whatever the hell was on his mind. And then he spoke.

"Why for you want to leave so soon?" he asked me.

How do you say, "Well, this whole situation sucks and this place is a dump ... politely to a mountain? I lied. (There you go, a bonus lie for you).

"An emergency has come up back on the mainland and we really have to return"

He kept trying to figure me out and continued searching the place when suddenly he noticed the wet water mark on the bed, from our luggage.

""Dis is going to stain."

I was like, come on , man ... it's just water from our luggage. Surely you've noticed all the damn water buckets spread out through the hotel filling up. Yeah, that part was in my thoughts, not coming out of my mouth. He kept insisting it was going to stain but eventually gave up on the notion. When he couldn't find a reason to be concerned, he walked me back down to check in and we checked out.

We climbed into another cab (new driver, thank god) and headed off to customs. Inside, everyone was sitting on either their luggage or on the floor. It felt like a crazy movie but without the presence of chickens or a rogue goat that would try to eat the items of the other travelers. We were happy to be leaving but did we really think all of our problems were over? Haha, think again. My wife hadn't updated her driver's license (since our marriage )and it did not match that of her passport. They told me I could go but she couldn't. Seriously? Like I'm gonna just leave my new wife there and climb aboard the boat? Eventually they were able to comprehend what we were telling them and they did let her board. We board and bid farewell to the Bahamas. We did in fact meet 3 other couples on the trip back who had arrived on our same boat and decided to leave. Crazy, right?

When we got back to Florida, I called the hotel where the 4 of us had stayed prior to boarding. Like I said, this was before cell phones and I couldn't simply call my best friend. I asked the hotel if they were still guest there.

"No."

I asked again, under her maiden name, her newly married name, and his name.

"No."

Damn, they don't expect us back for an entire week and they have my vehicle. I guess we're on foot for the next several days. We returned to the same hotel and just prior to booking a room, I asked them one last time, hopeful.

"No, they're not here."

(Heavy exhale) I booked a room, we grabbed our luggage, and headed down the hallway. That's when something absolutely BEAUITFUL happened. Out of the corner of my eye (just as we were about to enter into our room) I saw something ... familiar. My vehicle! I thought for a moment and a possibility occurred to me. When we initially booked our room (the 4 of us) it was under my name. Perhaps that's the reason they kept telling me they weren't there. I had even given them the previous room number but it was always a "no." One way to find out. We left the luggage in the new room and hurried to our old room.

And a KNOCK KNOCK on the door brings about what? The surprised face of my best friend.

"What are you doing here?" she asked me.

We tell them the whole enchilada and I'm not sure who was more happy to see who ... us or them.

Long story short ... the four of us spent the week at Disney's Magic Kingdom, Universal Studios, and most importantly ... together. We had the time of our lives. True story, I swear.

#8 (Esophagus car) Lie. I pretty much kept them out of my mouth and in the dirt.

#9 (Number 2 Pencil Psycho Sister) Truth. Haha, you know, I can't even remember what we were fighting about that caused her to pick up lead and send it home. The lead in my forearm eventually became a running joke between us. I had actually thought that it did indeed disappear and we laughed about having to forgive her now. BUT (here recently) upon further observation of the traumatically affected area I was able to find it, smaller, yes, but not completely gone. Needless to say, I felt it was appropriate to message her and revoke all forgiveness. (Just kidding) Let's see if it can last another 40 years.

#10 (Don't Just Lie There) Haha. I'd really like to know what you guys guessed on this one. Fact is ... it's a lie.

And that is that. A little bit of 'that aint so' and a little bit of 'my O my, really?' Anybody get all 10 right? I had fun writing it. I hope you were amused. If so, share it. Point somebody in the Bain direction. You can find this blog and others on my website at angelobain.com. Check out my newly published murder mystery book, 'Caesar's Move', while your'e there and shoot me some feedback if you can appreciate the twisted nonsense I put out. I welcome all comments.

Until next week, continue to feed your brain. You owe it to yourself.

Angelo