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Ok, let's see if we can get through this in one piece. Writers love to write stories but sometimes their stories hit more than a little close to home. Sometimes they are at ground zero. This story is a sensitive one for me. Ground zero here is smack dab right in the middle of my heart. Yeah, it don't get any closer to home than that. When you read this, please pay attention to my words closely as to not misunderstand the meaning. It's a story about self preservation.
The news came on August 24th, 2020. It was the word that everybody never wants to hear, Cancer. But the doctor wasn't looking at me ... he was looking at my best friend ... my wife. His words sounded familiar to me, having heard similar ones before pertaining to another couple of women in my life, my sister and my mother. I didn't hear the news from the horses mouth, directly, when they were told but it did trickle down to my ears and it burned to hear it.
Cancer was a word I had heard in the past from people two generations above me. My grandfather got cancer, beat it, but then lost his fight against it many years later. I wasn't very close to the man. Cannot remember a whole lot of memories with him in it. But I did love him.
My very first memories of the 'c' word (and I'll refer to it from here on out in lowercase because you can be bigger than it) reaching in closer to home was when my little sister got her dreadful news. I was indeed close to my sister. Fast forward to today ... I still am. She kicked its ass. Can I get a HELL YEAH? It almost seemed not fair for her to be hearing that news at such a young age. I believe she was 21. Wait, what? Isn't that an old person thing? My little sister was diagnosed with Hodgkin's when most people are beginning their adult life and she is still alive and kicking, to this very day, getting her adult on.
The next time the 'c' hit close to home was when the news fell on my mother's ears. Definitely someone I was close to you. Mom fought it hard but this time it came with a vengeance. It's plan was to spread and conquer, which it did. When a person loses the battle, it's not just their lose. It belongs to everyone around them. Yeah, ground freaking zero. We lost her on February 20th, 2014. The phone call bringing that bad news still replays in my head to this very day.
So, the title of today's blog reads 'Toying with the venom.' What exactly does that mean? I had to give a little backstory first because up to this point in my past I had never toyed with it before. It didn't exist to me. This is where I need you to truly think about my words. No confusion, people.
Grandpa was a win (at first) but then a loss. Little sister was a win. Mom was a loss. And now I hear it with my wife. Win, loss, win, loss ... win? Unfortunately, 'c' doesn't play that way. There are no guarantees in a pattern holding suit. Just like a tornado, it'll do whatever the hell it wants to do. This is when the toying began. After having experienced a devastating loss with my mother, I found myself doing something strange when addressing the future with my wife. Imagine a snake handler who is in danger of receiving a deadly amount of venom if he/she were to get bitten. The dosage could be lethal. Yet, if you were to inject tiny dosages of the poison into your skin over a period of time (sizable enough for no real damage) then you would eventually build up a tolerance to it. If bitten, it would not hold the same destructive power over you. Well, this is what I found myself doing. In my quiet moments, I began to notice that I was imagining the dreadful news of losing my best friend. I absolutely never wanted to receive this news but I did allow myself to imagine what it would feel like. Yeah, it sucked. It was very hurtful to imagine. I would allow myself to feel its sting for just a little bit and then quickly shut it down and dive head first into something EXTREMELY HAPPY to counteract. I toyed with it. This way, if it ever touched my ears and my heart, maybe it wouldn't be new to me and wouldn't hurt quite as bad. On occasion, I would allow myself to return to this dark place and toy with it just a little more. Small increments. Just enough to possibly build up a tolerance to it. Did I ever imagine that if I did lose her it would not effect me? ABSOLUTELY NEVER. I knew better. It would have tore me to pieces. Did I ever want it? ABSOLUTELY NEVER. But maybe, just maybe, by toying with it in increments I could actually bear the bite a little easier. Maybe I could come out of it somewhat still intact. This was an attempt on self preservation to try and protect my heart from total shutdown.
I would toy with thoughts of coming home after a long day at work and waiting on that familiar smile to be present .... but it wasn't. I toyed with the thoughts of cooking a dinner meal ... for one. The thoughts of our dog looking at her empty seat on the couch was hurtful to imagine. How bad would that hurt if it were actually so? I imagined the task of contacting her family with the bad news. Would I break down? I'm sure I would. Could I even get the words out without choking up? I allowed myself to feel all of these hurtful moments and more. Hoping, that if it ever came to pass, and there is not an ounce of me that ever wants this, maybe, just maybe I could survive the pain. It's a terrible thing to do to oneself and I hope you can understand just why I would. We are not tough in life because everything went smoothly. We are tough because we were faced with trials and tribulations. We've all heard of stories about a spouse dying and soon afterwards the other did too, of a broken heart. Do yo believe this is possible? I do. Absolutely. They say stress is a killer. What kind of stress is losing someone you care about?
Now, I know people who have lost a spouse and I want you to know that my heart absolutely goes out to you. Truly. What I do is for me. This is what I needed for protection. We all cope with things in our own way. This is my way of coping before I ever need to.
Happy to say, I do not toy with it much anymore. We got news of a clean slate near the end of the last year. CANCER FREE! How about another one of them HELL YEAHs? This time with a little more from the gut. Life has gotten back to near normal. Wifey and I are back out walking the trails again, something we really enjoy doing. No more chemo. No more hair loss. No more energy bottoming. Taste buds have returned. I still have my wife. So, yes, I haven't toyed with it in quite some time. Was it an unnecessary thing to do? Possibly. But I will never see it as such. Good things can spring from the ashes of catastrophe. Life is not simply A and B. It's A through Z and there are a lot of situations and scenarios to learn from. My time with the snake will forever be with me. Hopefully in memory alone and not in common practice. I hope that I still have many, many A through Z memories with her, my best friend.
To anyone who has read my words here, I truly hope you can understand my thoughts and intentions about the topic. These are mine but I hope you find something in it for yourself. Toying with the venom ... crazy, right? What's crazy is that I feel in my heart it can actually intensify one's love for another. And that, my friends, is a great thing.
Love one another. If you know of someone who has lost a loved one, try and comfort them. Someone who is struggling with either the battle or the one fighting side by side with them, be there for them both. It effects more than just one person. It affects anyone whose heart is connected to them. You're stronger than the 'c' and tougher than the snake, baby. I love you always and forever.
No author book plug today. This one is about us as people. Take care of each other. You owe it to you heart.
Angelo
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