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If anyone is paying attention to the dates of my weekly blogs then you may have noticed that I failed to put one out last week. I strive to put one out every Wednesday, a goal date set by me alone with no real meaning or forced deadline. Well, anyone who knows me personally probably already knows the reason why but for all of the rest of you, allow me explain.
The morning before my self scheduled publish date, I woke up at 2AM and my head was absolutely spinning beyond anything I had ever experienced before. I made my way to the bathroom and had to hold onto anything and everything to get there. Imagine a long night of excessive drinking and you crossed that line 15 drinks ago. Yet I had drank nothing. I could not focus, function, or even think clearly. A heat wave of whatever came over me and within a very short amount of time I was drenched with sweat. My stomach churned and my head spun. Not a normal spin, though. This was something very different. Think about anytime you've ever seen a gif online. When you click on it, it animates and then returns to start where it will reanimate over and over again. What I experienced was a constant spinning gif. Everything I saw would spin to the left (always to the left), reset, and spin again. Over and over again. Constantly resetting, constantly spinning. The situation turned into a matter of not 'if' I was going to get sick but 'when.' Then it came. Everything I had eaten, I didn't own anymore. Tuesday morning was round 2. Monday morning (around the same AM time) was round 1, but I was able to eventually shake it off and go about my day. Round 2 came with an absolute vengeance. I couldn't shake it off. It cost me a trip to the ER. If it hadn't been for my wonderful wife, I don't know what I would have done. I couldn't dress myself on my own, I couldn't stand. It was a literal crawl on my hands and knees from the bathroom, through the bedroom, into the garage, and into our car. I couldn't even put on my seat belt. All I could do was melt into the seat. I could not raise my head or fixate on anything because everything was still spinning.
Once at the ER, I felt like I spilled from the car to a wheelchair and all I could do was just crumble into it. How many times have we been to the ER and had to sit in the waiting room for however long? Well, not this time. I couldn't tell you how long it was but I believe it was only long enough for my wife to pull the car out of the ambulance drive-through and return to my side. They wheeled me on back and everything I was experiencing just kept on but in a different room now. People came in and talked to me but I'm not entirely sure just what all they said. I couldn't fixate on any of them. They started placing EKG heart monitor sticky pad electrodes all over my chest and a thing on my finger. I ended up getting sick again on the table. The hospital had a full house so I wasn't able to be admitted until a bed became available, a good 17 hours later. At that time, I still was unable to see anything as it was. It helped to keep my eyes closed because things didn't seem to spin quite as bad when I did. I spent the next 3 days in a hospital bed on my back. 52 years and that was the first time I had ever been admitted to a hospital for an overnight stay. 52 years and it was also the first time I had ever been given an IV. Two, actually. 1 in my arm, 1 in my wrist. It was the first time I had ever been 'knocked out' for a procedure. I guess my luck finally ran out. I was slid into the mighty donut for a CT scan. They took blood for testing and took some more and took some more. I hated seeing that little girl enter the room for the next draw, which anyone whose ever stayed over in a hospital will know ... it can happen at any time of the night. 10PM, time to draw some blood. 2AM, time to draw some blood. I felt like I hadn't slept in days, which in itself is enough to absolutely waste you mind and energy level.
On the 3rd day, I had the task of sitting up in bed with my feet on the floor beside it to take vitals. Wow, that was a struggle. And then stand on my feet for vitals. Definitely a struggle. I had never spent 3 days in bed and it was like learning to walk all over again. I was able to walk a couple trips around the nurses station but that was about all I could handle. Things were not spinning as much but if I saw any movement or raised my head up too much then it would begin again.
So, I'm having to deal with the trauma of whatever this was and kept hearing the same word mentioned every now and then ... pacemaker. WTHell? My heart rate was dropping in a dangerous way and the possibility of needing one was on the table. What would that mean to me? I realize that many people have had to go down that road, some of my dear friends included, but I wasn't ready to be hearing this, who truly is? You go to sleep one night and the next morning they're talking about putting a pacemaker in you? If that's what it takes then I'll just have to come to terms with it, I guess. My head was still a fish swimming around in its bowl but the notion of needing a pacemaker was something I was really trying to wrap my mind around. I was able to carry on a conversation now but I was not fully comprehending what I was hearing or what I was even saying. It was my voice I was hearing but it didn't feel like it was me saying it. Eventually, I was able to sleep some but with the constant distractions of nurses, aids, blood taking vampires, the sounds of a busy hospital, and a monitor that would sound off every time my heart rate dropped into the danger zone ... I wouldn't call it good sleep. I mention the before distractions but let me say an enormously heartfelt thank you to every single person who took care of me when I couldn't take care of myself. This might have been just another day to them, but not to me. My appreciation is sincere and they deserve every bit of it.
After getting images of my heart and an artery dye test they informed me that both were indeed good. It just took a little innocent bystander ass kicking, my words, not theirs. The arteries were fine, my heart was fine. The doctor told to me that he wasn't sold on me needing a pacemaker. Such wonderful words to hear. It's a scary time when you're lying there wondering if your heart rate will drop off just a little too much next time and that's that. Your mind can become your enemy. What about my family? My friends? Everything I've worked hard for? Even (as a writer) what about the stories I am close to finishing? Will they end unfinished if I do? Yes, that even crossed my mind. What about me? It's scary when a person feels that vulnerable and helpless to do anything about it. Not a fun time to be thinking, I assure you. Now, I'm not writing this fishing for any sympathy because I know that many people have gone through situations more extreme than this and my heart goes out to them and anyone who either stood by them or was left behind to deal with a loss. One would think a man who writes a book about a serial killer wouldn't be as emotional as the rest but trust me ... I appreciate the blessing of human life. Life is precious.
So, now begins the journey back to normal. Normal is when I can stand up and never feel a head rush trying to sneak up on me or walk across the room and it doesn't feel like it is an uphill battle, whichever direction I go. Normal is when an hour on my feet doesn't feel like 16. Yesterday was my first day back at work and it spent me fast and hard. I didn't finish complete it entirely. Normal is when I feel like working out again. When I am able to hit the trails and hike several miles or go kayaking. Normal is when I feel like I can jump back into my unfinished stories and my brain will actual be able to enter into an unobstructed realm of make believe and not bog down. Normal is when people have forgotten about it and I only think about it every blue moon or so. That is the normal I long for. And every time it does cross my mind it will always be a little reminder to live life while you're alive and cherish what is most precious to you, especially family. I didn't need another reason to remind me to love life but here I go, CherishLife2.0.
It's still uncertain exactly what happened. Vertigo has been tossed around some. High blood pressure lowered too much, too fast, possibly. Low potassium. Inner ear. I've actually have a constant high pitch ringing in my ear, 24/7, for quite some time now, so if you're ever talking to me and I misunderstand something you've said, perhaps that's why. A combination of them all, maybe? How about an intergalactic gamma ray missing its intended target, spiraling through space, and capping me right in the old noggin, scrambling my brain temporarily? Perhaps I was standing in the wrong spot at the wrong time. (haha) Who knows? All I know is that I hope it's the last time I ever experience that. NOT FUN. I am fortunate to be surrounded be people who love and care for me and that has made an enormous difference to my emotional well being. You reached down and took my hand when I truly needed it and I love you all.
So, this is the long version of of why I missed my last blog deadline. It gives me pleasure to write one on a weekly basis. Maybe you've read a few, maybe this is the first. Either way, I hope you've found something in it that brought you pleasure as well. If so, come back for more. I'll see if the Bain brain can keep up with my heart and vice versa.
In closing, allow me to remind you to take care of yourself (life is precious), take care of others (they matter, too), and continue to feed your brain. You owe it to yourself.
Angelo
Check out my website at angelobain.com where you can follow my weekly ramblings and check out/pick up a copy of my recently published book, Caesar's Move.
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